Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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