I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
