My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
