so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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