My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
