i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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