I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
