I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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