New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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