1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
