I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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