His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
