Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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