so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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