I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I believe in your delicious
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