I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
