I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
