so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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