Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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