I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
