he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
