On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
worst night to have a conscience
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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