Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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