He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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