I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
