You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
