god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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