do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
