Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize