my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize