she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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