You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
