I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
