We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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