haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
