Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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