when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Randomize
