Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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