I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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