FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
