I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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