Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
