I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
