Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
FUCK WHALES
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