I think I died a long time ago.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
