i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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