thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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