Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
