Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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