Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
