my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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