i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
