med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
