shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
