I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
