Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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