I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
