I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
