I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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