Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm too high and old for this...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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