We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Shame - the story of my life.
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