All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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